10 Useless Facts That Prove Humanity Is Just Making It Up As We Go
Introduction
Did you know there’s a museum in Sweden dedicated entirely to failed inventions? Yep. It exists solely to showcase things like umbrellas for shoes and motorized ice cream cones. Because when you think “cultural landmark,” you obviously think, “Ah yes, the gallery of profoundly dumb ideas.”
But hey, failure is part of the human spirit. Without it, we wouldn’t have glow-in-the-dark toilet paper or the knowledge that shrimp have their hearts in their heads (which honestly explains a lot about shrimp). So buckle up, because today we’re diving into some of the most gloriously pointless tidbits the universe has to offer.
1. The Great Emu War: When Australia Lost to Birds
In 1932, Australia literally declared war on emus. Like, official military action against large, angry birds. Humans showed up with machine guns. Emus showed up with… being emus. Final score? Emus: 1, Humans: 0.
Why? Because farmers complained the emus were eating crops. Solution? Send soldiers. Outcome? The emus scattered, the guns jammed, and somehow the birds dodged every bullet like feathery ninjas. The government eventually gave up. No peace treaty was signed, but the emus clearly remain in charge.
2. The Ice Cream Cone You Don’t Have to Lick
Some genius decided manual tongue movement was just too much work and invented the motorized ice cream cone. Yes, it rotates your ice cream for you. Finally, the convenience we never needed.
Unfortunately, the only thing it’s good at is flinging ice cream into your eyebrows. But go ahead, live your dreams. Why stop at lazy eating? Let’s make motorized spoons next.
3. The Time Someone Patented a “Bird Diaper”
Ever wanted a pet parrot to stroll through your house without redecorating your carpet? Enter the bird diaper, a fashionable butt pouch for your feathered friends.
Supposed to: Keep your home poop-free. Actually does: Make your bird hate you forever while somehow still getting poop everywhere.
Nothing says “I love you” to your cockatoo like strapping them into a sequined diaper and expecting cooperation.
4. Banana Peel Shoes: Slippery by Design
In a groundbreaking twist on footwear, a designer once created high-end shoes entirely covered in banana peels. Real ones. For “fashion.”
Intended result: Sustainable couture! Actual result: Rotting, fly-attracting, compost bins on your feet.
Bonus points for anyone brave enough to wear these in the rain. You know. For science.
5. Square Watermelon: Because Triangles Were Too Busy
In Japan, farmers decided watermelons are just too… round. So, they grew square ones. Why? To fit better in the fridge, allegedly.
Pros: Stackable. Instagrammable. Cons: Taste like sadness and regret because they’re harvested before they’re ripe. So you’re basically paying $200 for a decorative gourd that moonlights as fruit.
Still more useful than the banana shoes, though.
6. The Man Who Tried to Trademark the Word “The”
Ohio State University once attempted to trademark the most aggressively common word in the English language: “The.”
Why? So their merch could say “THE Ohio State University” and make it… fancy?
Imagine the chaos if they’d won. Every book, article, and cereal box would owe royalties. Shakespeare’s estate would be bankrupt. We barely survived this timeline.
7. Glow-in-the-Dark Toilet Paper: Nightlight for Your Butt
Picture this: It’s 2 a.m. You stumble into the bathroom. You forgot your flashlight. But wait! Your toilet paper is glowing, guiding you like a radioactive guardian angel.
Was anyone asking for this? Absolutely not. Does it exist? Yes. Should it? Probably not. But here we are, wiping in neon.
8. A Ladder to Space. No, Seriously.
At least one team of scientists has seriously proposed building a literal elevator to space. Like, a cable stretching from Earth into orbit that you just… ride up.
Sounds cool until you remember we can barely keep regular elevators from breaking. I don’t know who’s signing up to get stuck 200 miles above Kansas, but I salute your optimism.
9. The Underwater Hotel You’ll Never Sleep In
For a mere $6,000 a night, you can sleep in a hotel room under the ocean. Walls of glass. Fish on every side. Sharks judging you while you brush your teeth.
Sounds peaceful, right? Unless you remember:
- You can’t open the windows.
- You might be sharing your night with a very curious octopus.
- If the power goes out, congrats, you’re in a submarine-shaped coffin.
But hey, the minibar is probably stocked.
10. A Hat That Holds Snacks. Finally.
Why hold your nachos like some sort of peasant when you could balance them on your head?
Yes, the nacho hat exists. Picture a sombrero filled with dip and chips, sitting on your skull like a cholesterol crown.
The dream: Hands-free snacking. The reality: Cold queso in your hair.
Still, this is the innovation I respect most. Humanity peaked here.
Conclusion
In a world of groundbreaking technology, medical miracles, and interplanetary exploration, it’s comforting to know someone, somewhere, is still working hard on edible hats and bird diapers. Why create the next iPhone when you can invent glow-in-the-dark bathroom accessories?
So here’s to us. We’re messy, we’re ridiculous, and we definitely didn’t need square watermelons—but we got them anyway. And honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Bonus Useless Fact:
The inventor of the frisbee was turned into a frisbee after he died. His ashes were molded into one. So next time you’re tossing one at the beach… maybe check the label.
